Dearest Old Chum,

All of us here at The Penny Black Remedy would like to take this opportunity to wish all of our very dear and chummiest of chums (ie you) unfeasible amounts of merriment and frivolity this Christmas and an emotionally opulent and wish fulfilling New Year*.

2009 has been an incredible year for us, with too many unexpected and wonderful surprises and highlights to mention. We would like to offer an overwhelming and unashamedly gushing thank you to your good self for being an enormous and crucial part of it. It gives us non-metaphorical goose bumps when we consider how lucky we are to have such consistently supportive and inordinately lovely chums as you**.

We very much look forward to spending 2010 in your unutterably divine and joyous company.

Big, big love and behemothic flagons of your favourite festive tipple with a prodigious amount of curiously comestible cold roast potatoes on the side.

Keith,
Et al @ The Penny Black Remedy

* There are many ways of fulfilling your wishes. Some are easier than others. If Jimmy Saville weren’t so weird these days, I might have recommended contacting him as a possible fast track option ala his terrible ‘family’ TV show in the 1980’s in which he gave hope to children by chain smoking cigars in front of them and wearing dodgy shell suits, subsequently inspiring an insidiously hideous and highly flammable clothing fad in the 1990’s. These days I reckon you’ll achieve a much higher rate of success by closing your eyes and hoping for the best. After all, I’ve lived my life by that rule, with relatively good results. Although, I won’t go into explaining what those good results are actually relative to, simply for fear of defeating the purpose of stating such a ludicrous thing in the first place.

** This paragraph was initially much, much longer and considerably more gushing, but was brutally edited to avoid embarrassing you just that little bit too much. I’m considering releasing it in its entirety at a later date in the future, when I understand people are expected to be less chagrin by wild displays of affection.